The Whole Business Between Jones and Kirkland
by TossT
Summary: So long story short, Alfred F Jones and Arthur Kirkland got together. But that sentence probably didn't mean anything to you. You don't know how old they are, what they're like or if they have massive tits or not. But no, they don't have hugs tits. But the point is you don't know anything. No offense.


So long story short, Alfred F Jones and Arthur Kirkland got together. But that sentence probably didn't mean anything to you. You don't know how old they are, what they're like or if they have massive tits or not. But no, they don't have hugs tits. They're both flat as a washing board and thank goodness for that. Okay, we're getting side tracked. So the point is you don't know anything about them and even if you claimed to, you don't know them like I do. You can ask anyone in the world, even god if you could, but I bet they couldn't tell you what underwear Alfred was wearing when he first met Arthur. It was Iron Man themed if you wanted to know. How do I know that? He was whining to me all morning that his favorite Captain America ones were in the wash. Not the proudest moment in his life but to his credit, we were both pretty young.

You might be wondering how they look like. Not the underwear, I meant Jones and Kirkland. You can't avoid telling a story without giving paragraphs of description of how sexy and hot one looks. But they're not fictional characters. And take it from someone who had to deal with those two for years, they're ugly. If you had asked any other person, they could have gushed about how blue Alfred's eyes were or how pale and unblemished Arthur's skin was. But I'm the narrator so they're ugly. Unfortunately, you would most likely be turned off by the lack of description so I'll try my best. You can even grade me on my description if you'd want. To be truthful, it's not like I know you so it won't affect me if you give me an F.

Alfred has blue eyes like the blue methamphetamine in breaking bad; an obnoxious blue and highly addictive in Arthur's case. It contrasts well with Arthur's green eyes. If someone else was describing him, she would say something like how his eyes are like if someone stole emeralds and embedded them in his eyeball. To be unbiased, they are scarily really green and the only attractive thing about him other than his skin. But I'm biased so he's hideous. Staring at Alfred's face is a bit like star gazing. He has faint freckles everywhere and I've found Ursa Minor, Sagittarius, the Big dipper and Aquila so far. Every morning, Alfred probably rolls around in a sandpit as his hair is always messy and his hair color looks especially sandy when he gets out of bed. Another prominent feature of his is that he has a cowlick and glasses. I think I forgot to mention how patriotic Jones was as you'd be surprised that he named his glasses Texas the second. I broke Texas the first in a hockey match.

Arthur doesn't need glasses (lucky bastard) and also has blonde hair. But it's more leaning towards dirty blonde than sandy. Now if you know Arthur, the most prominent thing about him isn't his 'sexy' British accent or his temper or his dry sarcastic cynical tone. It's his eyebrows. They're so massive and magical I feel inferior to them. I feel unworthy sitting here and thinking about those eyebrows. If my eyebrow was a boat, Arthur's would be the Titanic. If you haven't noticed, I'm exaggerating. They're still huge but you get used to it after a while and he'll look weird without those fuzzy things I guess. But if you ever see him walking down the street or something, don't tell him I said that.

Now, I'm hoping you're smart. If you were, you'll be asking things like 'What's your role in the story?', 'How do you know so much about them?' and et cetera. I'll give you some free advice. Always question the writer. You don't know who I am. I could be a homeless drug addict who witnessed this whole romance in front of Wal-Mart and filled in the details with false facts. I could also be a stalker who had to witness 'the one true love' sucking the face of a bushy-browed dude and this could all be a story about heart break and how stalkers spies on his victims. I'm closer to the latter but don't get me wrong. I don't stalk Alfred. I just happened to be stuck with him since I was born. We're twins. Identical but I have slightly lighter hair, less freckles, a curl instead of an obnoxious cowlick and darker blue eyes that looks almost purple sometimes. It's safe to say I'm the hotter twin. Unfortunately most people in school notice Alfred way more than me so my awesomeness gets overshadowed a lot. God, I rubbed off Gilbert a lot. Not sure if that's a good thing or not.

Anyways, that's enough about me. This story is about Alfred and Arthur. They're the protagonists. I'm the unfortunate victim that had reluctantly witnessed most of the whole thing and now I'm telling you guys. But don't go off speaking to them or spying on them or obsessing over them if you meet them in real life. We're real people and firstly it's just creepy and that'll definitely classify you as a stalker. Secondly, no matter how much you connect with us, we don't know you.  
No offense.


End file.
